Future News: Hurricane Trump Bears Down on Washington; Forces Inauguration Indoors

Hurricane Trump Bears Down on Washington; Forces Inauguration Indoors
Jan. 19th, 2089

A rare, landfalling hurricane is expected to hit the Washington-Baltimore metropolitan area tomorrow. Heavy rains have already blanketed the area, delivering up to 1.75” in several locations. The rains have interrupted plans of many presidential well-wishers from attending the inauguration and many of the balls that traditionally accompany such events.

Earlier in the week, officials at the National Weather Service announced that the Hurricane would not be named “Abigail,” the first planned name for Atlantic hurricanes for 2089. Instead, it would be dubbed “Hurricane Trump.” Weather Service Director Zhoaria Kohme explained, “This hurricane is occurring prior to the official March 1 start of the Hurricane season, for which ‘Abigail’ has been reserved.”

Regarding the name of the Hurricane, Director Kohme noted, “Considering […] the 45th President’s denial of environmental change and the maelstrom accompanying his first year in office, ‘Hurricane Trump’ seemed like the perfect name.”

In full, the Director replied, “Three generations ago, when President Trump was elected, the veracity of environmental immoderation was much-debated. The President himself cast significant doubt on what was then known as ‘global warming’. As we have seen throughout this century, the additional energy from so-called greenhouse gases and their capacity to capture and magnify the sun’s energy have contributed to greater instability in the atmosphere and created higher highs, and, often, lower lows. Certainly, we have seen more and stronger storms – thunderstorms, tornados, hail, and snowfall — and an increasing incidence of unseasonably severe weather, like January hurricanes. Considering the early occurrence of this hurricane, its expected landfall on Inauguration Day, and the 45th President’s denial of environmental change and the maelstrom accompanying his first year in office, ‘Hurricane Trump’ seemed like the perfect name.”

The hurricane is expected to make landfall on the Virginia coast in the early morning hours of January 20, moving quickly inland and passing over the nation’s capital just prior to Noon, Eastern Standard Time. Trump is a Category 3 storm and is once again expected to bring dark clouds, high winds, and loud thunder to the region. Since Washington will be near the center of the hurricane, residents of the District are especially warned to be wary of flying debris and rapidly changing wind directions.

The hurricane will weaken significantly as it continues towards the north and east. While it is expected to be pushed back out to sea by a high-pressure system originating from Texas and Oklahoma, currently over southern Indiana on its way towards West Virginia, the hurricane itself is not expected to re-strengthen significantly on its northward journey. It could make landfall once again as a minimal tropical storm on Long Island or eastern New England over the weekend. Despite the forecast, residents all along the East Coast are encouraged to monitor the storm for changes in behavior.

Thursday’s inaugural activities will be held in the Mueller Public Courtroom in the Supreme Court Annex at 1:00 PM.

This Future News is provided as a satirical service of 
SteveLacksFocus.com

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