Trump Tops the Eclipse

Scene: The Oval Office

President Donald J. Trump, Steve Bannon, and Vice-President Mike Pence are present, sitting. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders is entering the room.

TRUMP: “Standers –“

SANDERS: “It’s Sanders, sir”

TRUMP: “Yeah — don’t worry — I know my people — believe me”

SANDERS: “Yes, sir.”

TRUMP: “What’s all this about a blackout?”

Sanders looks at the President, confused.

TRUMP:   “You know, this thing that’s going to eclipse – (aside) nice word, huh – who says I don’t know words? – (to Sanders) that’s going to eclipse my Twitter feed.”

SANDERS: “Oh, you mean the Solar eclipse that is going to occur on Monday, August 21. “

TRUMP: “Yeah, that’s it!”

“Can we stop it?”

SANDERS: “Uh, it’s purported to be a natural meteorological event, sir”

Trump looks at Sanders, confused.

SANDERS (defeated): “No, we can’t stop it.”

TRUMP: “I wish those idiotic Earth Day people would just give up, already.”

BANNON (smirking): “Maybe we can beat it!”

TRUMP looks back and forth between BANNON and PENCE, turns to SANDERS

TRUMP: “You can go, Sanddress”

SANDERS: “With all due respect, I think I can be of assistance, Mr. President.”

TRUMP: “No, just go. The men need to talk.”

Sanders exits.

TRUMP: “So, what’s you’re idea, Steve-O”

BANNON: “Well, Mr. (cough) President, the path of the solar eclipse starts in the mountainous west and dives down through the heart of the country through the Southeast. It is a major natural event that casts the greatest portion of your base in the dark in the middle of the day.”

TRUMP: “That’s horrible. Horrible! Those people love me – they need me.”

BANNON: “Exactly, Mr. President – you need to be their light, once again.”

PENCE leans forward, suddenly interested in the discussion.

TRUMP: “How do I do that?”

BANNON: “You move on to a higher plane of existence.”

TRUMP: “I get it – I take a plane – we can get it gold-plated – and I drive it in front of the moon, so all they see is me?”

TRUMP looks up to the sky, imagining how it might look. BANNON and PENCE exchange glances.

BANNON: “Even better, Mr. President. You go on television – “

TRUMP: “I like television.”

BANNON: “And you say, ‘In this dark hour, I am changing my plan on how I will save this country. My talents are wasted on trying to fix our broken government. It cannot be repaired from within. Too many deep state people and dumb, dumb, alt lefters are fighting everything I do on social media. I need to go 24/7 on Twitter, television, and other media so my message is not screwed up by these wackos. To do this, I cannot be distracted by running a government. I am appointing Mike Pence to be President so I can lead the new media revolution.’”

PENCE (aside to audience, rubbing his hands together): “Muwaaah-aah-aah-aah-ahh! At last! With everyone distracted by the hubbub caused by TRUMP’s departure and his endless barrage of the air- and Twitter- waves, I can enact my agenda of dismantling the federal government!”

TRUMP: “That’s great! I will be the Messiah of all that is media. People will send me money and I will buy CNN, FOX, and MSNBC and trump all independent voices. Is Amazon for sale? I can buy that, too, believe me. I can make a deal that even Bezos couldn’t refuse. Then, I’ll have the Washington Post.”

TRUMP: “With all that, America will be clamoring for a great leader. Congress will turn to me and appoint me Emperor and I can be on TV and Twitter all the time and you guys can do whatever you need to do to keep people liking me.”

PENCE: “We already tried that last part, Mr. President, and it’s been tough going.”

TRUMP (agrees sadly): “Good people are dropping their memberships at my Golf clubs.”

BANNON: “It really is a shame. That’s why we need to transform you.”

TRUMP: “You’re going to turn me into a car, like in those Transformers movies?”

BANNON: “Even better. We will make you a martyr.”

TRUMP: “Huh?”

BANNON: “Can’t you feel it? God has been speaking to you all along – guiding your medium-size thumbs as you write Tweet after Tweet, revealing the truth to the American people. Your place is at the head of a religious media empire. You can be the second coming, leading all of us to the proper and rightful order of American Society with you at the top.”

TRUMP: “Think of the money I’d get.”

TRUMP (to Pence): “You know, in England, your last name – Pence, you know –“

PENCE: “I’ve heard the name.”

TRUMP: “Well, Pence is money. It’s not a lot of money. Actually, it’s not much at all – it has little value, but you have value. I like you. Your name means ‘money.’ That’s why I asked you to be my Veep. I like to be surrounded by money.”

TRUMP: “Hey, let’s get Spicey in here. He should hear about Bannon’s, uh, my idea!”

PENCE: “You got rid of him, Mr. President.”

TRUMP: “Oh, yeah. How ‘bout Pre-bus?”

PENCE: “You got rid of him, too.”

TRUMP: “Oh, yeah. So let’s set this up. I’ll go on TV and tell the world that I am taking over all television and leading America to the promised land. We’ll be sure to tell them that the eclipse is a sign from God that I am the one they should listen to.”

BANNON: “Close enough”

TRUMP: “Do you think it’ll help me get more women?”

PENCE: “And you’re appointing me to be President.”

TRUMP: “Wait – (thinking) — (thinking some more) — isn’t that the same as resigning?”

BANNON: “You won’t be resigning. You’ll be stepping above the presidency. You are transforming into the spiritual and media leader of an entire nation.”

TRUMP (wary): “I’m not so sure. Let’s see what Scary-mucho-whatever-his-name-is has to say. Get him in here.”

PENCE: “Uh, you got rid of him, too.”

BANNON (gesturing, outlining a future TRUMP in the air beside him): “We can dress you in a natty uniform of royal purple with real gold trim and epaulets… on a stage with 100 American flags… “

TRUMP: “With a smoke machine?”

BANNON (smiling proudly): “Perfect, Mr. President.”

TRUMP satisfied, with this course of action, returns to following his Twitter feed and PENCE and BANNON compare notes in a whisper.

BANNON: “You’ll appoint me Veep, right?”

PENCE: “Of course!” (Aside, to audience) : “Yeah, right”

Close curtain.